The Stress of Success

Most people may not realize this, but there is a big price for success.  Yet we live in a world where success is idolized and almost worshipped.  The message that we must be successful usually starts at home and then carries on into school life.  So we strive to get good grades so we can move up a level and one day graduate from high school.  Some people want to go on to college or university, so they must be successful in order to graduate.  Then we want to be successful at getting a good job and one that pays well.  Then of course there are some people who are driven to not just get the grade, but to excel in their particular field, so they go for the highest grade point average possible.  And if they want to win a scholarship or get a government grant, they must work even harder to be successful.  Many times if not all of the time the pursuit of success spells S-T-R-E-S-S and one begins to wonder if it is worth all the agony it takes to be really successful. 

Countless people who have gone after inordinate amounts of wealth and success have lost their wife or husband and family because they were too busy to spend the time with them on their way up the ladder.  Some are married multiple times, like many famous Hollywood actors.  As well, some people, like rock stars, who reach high levels of success turn to alcohol and drugs because the stress of their success is just too much for them.  It’s not surprising when we hear of many stories of people who come upon sudden wealth, as in winning the lottery, who end up broke or even worse off than before.  For one thing, you can’t trust anyone any more and friends and relatives that you never knew existed will be at your door!  And you might have to beef up a security system just for your own protection.  This is how royalty and movie stars have to live, rarely leaving home without a body guard.  They have to hide away and when they do go out in public, they have to hide behind big dark sunglasses and a scarf around their head or a hat to avoid being recognized or to avoid the paparazzi.  Most people aren’t prepared for this kind of success and have no idea how to handle it.   

And yet in spite of the many traps we can fall into, almost everyone wants to be successful.  We dream of a receiving a windfall of money so we can quit our job and do what we really want.  We’d love to be able to buy that new car or build a bigger or better house, take that yearned for vacation and go on a wild shopping spree to our favorite stores!  It’s fun to dream and without dreams, we feel we have no escape from the day-to-day mundane routines we find ourselves in.  It is human nature to want to succeed and I believe that God built that into each one of us.  It’s just that His idea of success is very different from our idea.  For instance, we think that if we just had more money or a better job or a bigger house that we will be happier.  And if we have more money we will have more power.  So we tend to equate success with the amount of money we have at our disposal and all the pleasures and treasures it can buy us.  But in reality, this is nothing more than pleasure for a season.  Soon it will wear out and our happiness will be short lived.  Success is not only often difficult to achieve, but as I’ve briefly mentioned, is difficult once you get there.  As well, we’ve all known of or heard of people who are wealthy or who are in a position of leadership or power who seem to lose all sense of accountability thinking that money and personal power can buy them in and out of anything!  And yet the truth is, every single person is accountable for how they handle success, and there are absolutely no exceptions.  King Solomon said it well: 

Ecc. 12:13  Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.

Ecc. 12:14  For God will bring every deed into judgment, including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil. NIV     

King Solomon knew what he was talking about.  He was extremely blessed by God, with wisdom, power and great wealth and all that money could buy.  He had it all.  And yet, if you read through all of Ecclesiastes, you see a word he continues to repeat (in the NIV version of the Bible) and surprisingly, that word is “meaningless.” It is mentioned 28 times in this short book of the Bible which has only 12 chapters.  So even though he had it all, he found many things in life that were meaningless. 

Ecc. 12:8  "Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Everything is meaningless!"  

And then he concludes the whole duty of man in verse 13 to fear God and keep His commandments. 

So here we have it from a man who was blessed by God with great wealth and wisdom!  Success by the standards of this world is meaningless unless it reverences God and honors His commandments (remember the most important commandment is to love God with all your heart and soul and mind). Whatever God blesses us with whether it’s wealth, talents, wisdom, skill or abilities, and so on, we are responsible to distribute it to those in need and to use it to glorify God and in some way advance His kingdom.  Jesus said it when He was explaining a parable: 

Luke 12:48  … From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked. NIV 

And whether we have much or little, we are accountable for our faithfulness: 

1 Cor. 4:2  Moreover it is required in stewards, that a man be found faithful.  

When we think of success, we think of abundance.  And yet Paul said: 

Php. 3:7  But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.

Php. 3:8  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ  NIV 

To put things in perspective, if we are just living here on this earth and we believe that this is all we’re going to get and then we die, it would make sense to go after all that we can accumulate.  Why not?  We have no one to answer to.  We don’t have to be accountable.  But if we believe we are put here on this earth as part of God’s great design and plan and that when we belong to Him we also must live for Him, our perspective of success will radically change.  In fact, it will be the exact opposite of the world’s view of success.  We will welcome personal failure if it means a gain to Christ.  True success is how He defines it for us, and this is written all over His Word. 

Thank you for reading and may you enjoy success today and then bless others with it.

The Stress of a Job

Working is good for a person for many reasons.  For one thing, it pays the bills and you can buy groceries, pay your rent or mortgage, and possibly buy a vehicle.  You really can’t get very far in life without a pay cheque.  But there are other benefits too.  You get the satisfaction of contributing something to your workplace, and, depending on where you work, you also get the social interaction. 

Starting any new job is stressful, but after awhile you settle into a routine and after about a month it begins to feel like home.  But there are other stresses as well that will come up.   Anytime there is a mixture of people, you will have different personalities, and you have to learn to get along with people.  That’s why the word “team work” shows up on job applications, because your employer wants to know that you can get along with others.  In the past, before I turned to writing full time, I worked in various offices before, during and after my university night school days.  It seemed that no matter which office I worked in, there was a pecking order.  The people who had been there the longest seemed to have more say and more privileges than the newbie.  And in some cases, if you were a mover and shaker, and came up with new and better ideas, you were an immediate threat and they’d quickly put you in your place and try to keep you there.  There was no room for advancement of any kind.  And it was in these situations that true character and integrity shone through.  For myself, I was tested time and again as a Christian, to see how I would react to off-color jokes, swearing and other subtle forms of anti-godly propaganda.  Even if you don’t say it, people can sense there’s something different about you and in some work places, they’ll make fun of you at every opportunity. 

Sometimes a boss will pile more work on you, more than he or she does to others.  So you’ll be working along, and next thing you know, he tells you that you have to work late either to catch up or to do this new project he’s just put on your desk.  So you have to cancel any other plans you may have had.  And sometimes cliques will form in an office and you won’t be included in them.  They may all go out for lunch and not ask you to join them, or they’ll talk about a social outing where you weren’t invited.  And then there’s the problem of the physical environment.  If you work at a desk all day, after awhile your bones start aching or your muscles tense up.  You can end up with chronic neck and back problems, which will make it much more difficult to work and perform your duties in a timely manner.  You may be in a closed office with no fresh air or natural lighting.  You may be exposed to fluorescent lighting that causes eye strain and headaches.  And with all these problems, you can’t quit because you may have a really good paying job and jobs in your line of work may be scarce at the moment.  So you have to stick it out and just hope and pray that things will get better. 

For the past several years, I have also been self-employed selling things; things I create and design and also I’ve sold merchandise for other companies.  I have found this most enjoyable because I can get out, be my own boss and I also get to meet people.  But even self-employment has its challenges and stresses.  For one thing, in order to really make a living at it, you have to invest a great deal of your own money and time.  You have to continuously find new business and you have to look after your customers and keep them happy.  But you do not have any of the stresses of office work or working in a group setting.  In fact, you may find a new stress of having to do everything yourself and if you are successful at it and your products are in demand, you may not be able to handle doing so much yourself to keep up with the demand!  So then you need to hire people to help you.  But that’s a good thing, except when it takes you away from actually producing or creating your products.  In my book, Artistic Ideas and Inspirations, I briefly discuss this for artists to really think hard and consider the cost of running a business, because it will inevitably take them away from actually doing the art.  It seems that a person needs to decide whether they want their job because they like the work itself, or are they doing it for the money?  It’s nice if a job can provide both. 

Another situation that can arise (and I think this is common), is that you may find yourself in a job that you never had any intention of doing.  Maybe you wanted to do something entirely different and here you are, day after day, in a job that you don’t even really like and you wonder why you’re still there!  This has happened to me, especially when I ended up working in an office.  I learned office skills in high school and so I was able to get hired immediately because of it.   But my real desire was to be a paid writer.  I was already writing and had always been a writer as soon as I learned the alphabet in grade one.  But good writing jobs are hard to come by and working in journalism was not the right fit for me (I worked for community and city newspapers as editorial staff, contributing writer, freelance, layout person, and advertising sales person).  Journalism was much more scientific than I thought where you had to write to the specific slant and flavour of the newspaper or magazine, giving you little room for “creative” writing.  Not wanting to be put in a box, I quit the field and began writing on my own.  But I still had to make a living, so I kept working in an office until I was able to quit and write full time.  When I did work in a job that wasn’t my first choice (the office), I vigorously pursued the things that interested me most.  This is what got me through many long days at the office, looking forward to what I would do after work or on the weekend.  

And then there’s retirement.  Most people think, “Now what will I do?”  I always laugh at this because there are so many different things to do that you can be busier after retirement than you ever were when you were working.  Now you can take up that favorite hobby that you had to keep putting aside because you didn’t have time or were too tired to do.  You can golf more or go to the gym more, visit your kids and grand-kids, volunteer for a worthy organization, take up painting or renovate your house.  You can travel or take a bus tour, play cards, take up dancing.  Really, the possibilities are endless and the only problem is, you might find yourself too busy and get stressed in a different sort of way!  

I’d like to share a few things I have learned about handling stress when it comes to jobs and the competitive workplace we might be in right now.  First, pray about the career you are to pursue and then once you know, give it your all and remain faithful to it.  Wise King Solomon said it best: 

Ecc. 9:10  Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.  

Never do a half-hearted job, because if you’re a Christian, your attitude and quality of work is your first witness.  We may make mistakes, but doing our best and being sincere is what really matters.  It doesn’t matter what you say, if your work doesn’t measure up, you will lose credibility.  Give a little more, not less, and it will speak volumes to your employer.   

When we are in particularly difficult jobs with impossible-to-please bosses, we are to pray for them, and not criticize: 

1Tim. 2:1  I exhort therefore, that, first of all, supplications, prayers, intercessions, and giving of thanks, be made for all men;

1Tim. 2:2  For kings, and for all that are in authority; that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty.

1Tim. 2:3  For this is good and acceptable in the sight of God our Saviour;

1Tim. 2:4  Who will have all men to be saved, and to come unto the knowledge of the truth. 

Jobs and bosses may come and go, but a person’s soul is eternal.  Think about whether your boss is a Christian or not and if not, where they will be spending eternity (in hell, without God).  If they are a Christian, they still need your prayers and encouragement and support.  

We are to do our work as unto the Lord and not to grab the attention of man: 

Eph. 6:5  Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ;

Eph. 6:6  Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but as the servants of Christ, doing the will of God from the heart;

Eph. 6:7  With good will doing service, as to the Lord, and not to men:

Eph. 6:8  Knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth, the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free.  

It doesn’t matter what someone else does, it only matters what you do.  You are only accountable for your own works, and they are accountable for theirs.  God sees all things and He is a just God.  He will repay accordingly and it’s not up to us to judge. 

Finally, and this is so encouraging, especially if you want a promotion in your job or if you want a new job.  It is God who promotes us to the next level, and not man.  

Psa. 75:6  For promotion cometh neither from the east, nor from the west, nor from the south.

Psa. 75:7  But God is the judge: he putteth down one, and setteth up another.  

Are we being faithful?  Are we doing our best?  Are we doing above and beyond what we are asked to do?  Then these will all work in our favor in the workplace, whether we work for someone or whether we are self-employed.  God notices and He rewards us, sometimes through the employer and sometimes in other ways. And until then, if we are suffering in a job we don’t like, God will give us grace and strength to continue there until He moves us on.  Perhaps we still have much to learn and areas where we need to be strengthened and grow. 

Thank you for reading and may you enjoy your job, whatever that may be.

The Stress of Marriage

Almost everyone loves a wedding.  On April 29^th, 2011, many people in this part of the world stayed up or got up at 3:00 a.m. to watch the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.  Truly, it was a beautiful “fairy tale” wedding complete with the horse-drawn carriage, beautiful flowing gown, darling bridesmaids and most interesting guests with fancy hats I’ve never even imagined existed.  Now the world will watch for and hope for a “happily ever after” for the royal couple who look so much in love. 

I was surprised and pleased that the Bishop who gave the wedding sermon spoke of God’s love.  Since God created marriage (see Genesis 2:18-25) and God is love, I believe that His love is the very core of every successful marriage.  God’s love is the costly one where there’s no room for selfishness.  It’s when a spouse puts their own needs aside for the sake of meeting their partner’s needs first.  For a complete definition of Godly love, read I Corinthians 13. 

Marriage between a man and a woman is really a beautiful thing especially since God ordained it that way.  In a Christian marriage, where a couple puts God first, there is tremendous potential for great things, since there are two people accomplishing God’s work, rather than just one.  Christian couples have the privilege of built-in fellowship where they can study the Bible together and pray together.  They can combine their talents to do good deeds and good works.  God honors a marriage where He is invited and included in all of the details.   

So where does stress come into the picture?  Often, and most would agree, that stress begins the moment you say “I do.”  Why is this?  I believe that because God ordains the marriage and it is the very strength and foundation of a moral society, Satan will begin immediately to try and break it down.  But here is the good news – if two people who are committed believers and followers of Jesus Christ and are dedicated to God and doing His work; that is a very powerful unit.  In fact, look at what Jesus says about the power of two: 

Mat. 18:19  Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.  

Mat. 18:20  For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.  

Added to this is that if a Christian couple decides to have children, these children, when reared in the fear of the Lord, have the potential to be great evangelists, pastors, teachers and so on and invade the world with the Gospel of the Bible.  My grandmother and grandfather had 22 children, all their own.  When they became saved, they ignited the world with the Gospel because all of their children (17 that lived into adulthood) became saved and many of them went on into the ministry (some world-wide).  There are generations of them that will continue to spread the Gospel for many years to come.  Even though my grandparents are in heaven, their prayers follow all of their children and children’s children.  My own marriage to a wonderful Christian man is a result of their and my parent’s prayers.  What an incredible heritage!  Never underestimate the power of prayer.  It is the greatest weapon against the many attacks of Satan in a marriage. 

Besides Satan, there are other outside influences that will try to undermine a marriage and create a great deal of stress.  One of the things my husband and I discovered shortly after we were married is that suddenly we were inundated with things to do.  We had thank-you cards to write for the wedding gifts, we had to find a place for all our beautiful gifts, return some things, and make room for my husband to move his things into my apartment.  People wanted to come over for a visit.  I wanted to re-create my single living space to one that reflected us as a couple.  We had all kinds of adjustments to make!  We got so busy at times we hardly had time for each other.  The busier we were, the more tired we got.  When you’re tired, you get cranky, and then you become argumentative.  And if you don’t get your rest, watch out, you may get sick as well and this will only compound the problem.  There’s something to be said for doing something as simple as just taking a nap! 

And of course there are pressures from well-meaning family and sometimes friends.  We talked about this in yesterday’s blog.  You now have to adjust to your new in-laws and they have to adjust to you.  Their traditions may be completely different than the ones you’re used to.  They may prepare a family meal and expect you to arrive early.  Your family may be more casual and just begins eating whenever everyone arrives.  Then you have to choose which family to spend seasonal holidays with like Christmas and Easter.  You don’t want to offend anybody so you try to please everybody and this can be exhausting and stressful each and every time.  Some couples move far away from their families in order to avoid these kinds of pressures.  But then, if you have kids, they won’t know their grandparents, aunts and uncles or cousins.  You’ll find yourselves alone with no family close by, and you have to pay expensive airfares to see them, so this can be an even bigger price to pay in more ways than one! 

There are many challenges in marriage and this is why it’s so important to determine from the beginning to stick together and stick things out through thick and thin.  I’ve heard it said that if a couple can stick together for the first three years, their marriage has a very good chance of long-term survival.  The first three years are probably the hardest with all of the adjustments that need to be made.  But we shouldn’t even be thinking of it in terms of how many years it will last, or “survive.”  Marriage is a forever commitment, and we should never think of divorce even as an option.  This is not to condemn or judge anyone reading this who may be divorced; it is to encourage those that are married or considering marriage to count the cost of the long-term commitment.  Seasons pass and things get better.  A job may end, but another one will come along.  Money may be tight for awhile, but God will provide as He said He would.  Children may stray, but your love and prayers will bring them back.  Illness may come, but healing will too.  All of these trials that occur in a marriage really serve to strengthen a marriage when two people resolve to stick it out.  Through the years you go through so many things together that after awhile you find that you can’t be without each other.  And this is a good place to be in when you’re married. 

It’s important to have fun together.  At most weddings, the atmosphere is happy and the couple has fun enjoying their first day as a married couple.  So after the wedding, why should the fun stop?  Do things together that you both enjoy, like going to a movie, participating in sports, bike-riding or traveling.  Doing things together that you mutually enjoy is paramount to relieving all the many stresses of married life.  And if you’re not doing things together you’ll be doing things apart, and rather than your life together being “ours,” it will become “his” and “hers.”  This can spell disaster in a marriage. 

Some couples say that they have no mutual interests, but cooking and hosting a meal for family and friends is one that most couples can manage to pull off.  I have an endearing memory of my in-laws cooking a gourmet meal together for us or for the whole family.  My mother-in-law might be making the vegetables and salads while my father-in-law would be cooking a delicious meat dish.  Almost every time we went over for a meal, they would be cooking something new and different.  They collected scads of interesting cook books, and had obtained almost every new cooking gadget on the market!  They made it into an enjoyable past-time, as well as a way to gather family together for a visit around delicious plates of food.  Deciding to host meals can turn into a ministry in and of itself, and is especially recommended when you find you not only need to spend more time together, but you need to reach out to others as well.  And if you’re not getting along for some reason, the focus shifts to the guests and not on the problems with each other. 

My husband and I share many similar interests like photography, art, writing, reading, and computer technology, to name but a few.  We also enjoy going for drives and no matter how busy we get, we take the time to go for a drive in the country at least once a week.  Some couples go away for a few days and stay in a favorite hotel or motel.  If money is tight, you can go to a near-by park for a walk or go for coffee or ice cream.  The whole point is to make time for each other and if possible, get out of your regular routine and go someplace different away from all the pressures of home life.  If you have children, drop them off at a grandparent’s house or an aunt or uncles.  

Finally, give your spouse room to breathe.  Support them in their particular hobby or interest by allowing them “guilt-free” time.  If they like reading, let them read.  If they like to golf, let them golf.  If they like shopping, let them shop.  I know of one couple where the husband loves baseball, so they plan their annual holidays around going to major league baseball games.  And the wife plans shopping trip vacations.  So everybody’s happy. 

As you can see, there are many creative ways to relieve the many pressures and stresses of marriage, even more ways than I’ve briefly mentioned here.  Marriage is intended for pleasure and enjoyment, not sadness and disappointment.  Sometimes all it takes is one person to lighten things up when things seem to weigh us down.  And sometimes we need to shave back our schedules to make more time for each other.  A simple “no” to too many demands can even save a marriage.  For some excellent insights into marriage, please read this blog, The Journey of Oneness.   

Thank you for reading and if you are married, remember to find ways to appreciate and enjoy your union today.

The Stress of Changing Relationships

In yesterday’s blog, we talked about how life presents us with many different changes and that these often present positive opportunities for us.  But sometimes changes are thrust upon us and we’d rather not have to deal with them.  This is especially true when we see changes occurring in treasured relationships that we have.  In a worst-case scenario, we may have a best friend or a spouse betray us.  Our children may have taken a wrong turn and we are grieved and stressed with worry about them.  A spouse or a parent may become ill and need long-term care.  Learning to adapt to these changes can be very trying and traumatic, especially if their change is sudden due to an unexpected accident or illness.  We find ourselves in a new role as caregiver or suddenly we are alone more as they recover in a hospital or home.  These changes can upset the whole balance of our life and we have to find ways to cope with it.  The changes that occur in relationships are often the most stressful of everything we have to deal with in life because it touches our heart and our soul.  Jobs can be replaced, we can move to new houses or cities, if we have lost possessions, they can be replaced.  But when people change or cause a change in our relationship with them, deliberately or not, it takes a much greater effort to adapt to the new dynamics that are often created.    

In a marriage, many changes will occur, especially after bringing children into the picture.  In marriage and in raising children, natural dependencies develop and we get into a necessary routine.  But as the children get into their teens, everything changes and the family unit will teeter-totter based on the whims of the teens if parents are not careful to put their foot down and remember that their teens are still needing wise guidance and healthy boundaries.  Then after children get married, you have to deal with their spouses and in-laws.  Tension builds as each separate family may fight over who gets to see their child more, the wife’s side or the husband’s side. And then grandchildren enter the picture and if you become a grandparent, you are likely in middle age as well, dealing with all kinds of aging and hormonal issues.  Your own parents may need care-giving as well.  So how does one adapt when life throws us some really big curve-balls and everything changes?  And how do we handle all of these pressures brought on by changes in relationship dynamics? 

As a long-time stress sufferer, I’d like to share some insights I learned through the years.  First, you can’t change everyone else around you to suit yourself.  You can only change yourself.  So you have to single yourself out from the crowd of people in your life and deal only with yourself.  Then you need to look at all the demands you feel are being made on you and decide (pray about) the legitimate ones versus the ones that aren’t all that important.  Life-threatening and medical issues are of course, top priority.  We must care for those that are unwell and unable to care for themselves.  This includes our spouse, children, parents, grandparents or even other relatives with no one else to care for them.  I base this on Scripture in the Bible: 

1Tim. 5:8  But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel [unbeliever].  

Family are always a priority.  Jobs, careers, ministries and friends are not the first priority.  Even ministers or elders in a church are to manage their household affairs well in order to conduct their church ministry.   

1Tim. 3:1  Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task.

1Tim. 3:2  Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,

1Tim. 3:3  not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.

1Tim. 3:4  He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.

1Tim. 3:5  (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) NIV 

Some people may disagree that family take top priority, especially when there seem to be so many needy people all around us, but we must remember I Timothy 5:8 above.  It is also important, though, if you have been thrust into a role of care-giving to make sure you take time for respite and time to relax and rejuvenate yourself so that you can continue giving compassionate care.  If necessary, ask for help or enlist a free government homecare service to come to your loved one’s aid as well.  

Secondly, you may not be someone who tries to change those around you, but you may be in a relationship with someone who is trying to change you.  This commonly may happen in a marriage, where one spouse tries to change the other.  You may have heard the comical play on words that when a bride walks down the aisle to greet her groom, she remembers the order of her steps – aisle (she walks down), to the altar (where she greets her groom), you (her groom).  The order is aisle, altar, you. The play on words is on altar, and the joke is, as she is walking down the aisle, all the time she is really thinking, “I’ll alter [change] you.”  And in the first year of a marriage, couples experience high stress levels as there are many adjustments to make and each partner must change in some ways to accommodate their new spouse.  But after awhile these adjustments even out and the marriage settles into a comfortable arrangement of two people.  Sometimes in-laws will step in and try to manipulate the couple into getting in more visits, or an interfering mother-in-law will step in and try to get her son or daughter back by seeing him or her more than seeing her child and new spouse together as a couple.  Sometimes an in-law will inadvertently cause or support a break-up of a marriage if they don’t like their son or daughter’s choice of partner.  There is no doubt that marriage is more than just two people – in reality, you marry into each other’s family as well and this includes extended families (spouses, parents and children of your siblings as well on both sides).  So life can become very pressured and complicated once you get married.  You may be called on to host huge family dinners, or you may be expected to take care of ailing grandparents or parents on your spouse’s side.  Whereas before, you had only to look after yourself, now you must consider your spouse and his or her family as well.  And then if and when you have children, the complication is multiplied yet again! 

Dealing with friends or loved ones who are trying to change you is not an easy situation to be in.  But in my own situation (which, thankfully, has been rare), I found it best to talk directly to the person in an honest and gracious (non-threatening) way.  Setting boundaries seems to work, but you have to let the person know what they are.  In the case of an in-law it is best to let your spouse do the talking for you on behalf of the marriage.  It is very important to stand united as a couple when it comes to outside interference, no matter how well-meaning they may seem.  If your marriage is affected, and a rift is beginning, be careful to mend it quickly and wisely, always keeping your spouse high on the level of importance (next to God). 

There are many changes that will occur in a relationship, whether it’s with a friend, a spouse, a child, parent or relative.  We ourselves will change, our goals will change, our needs will change, and our desires will change throughout each stage of life.  And as far as those we love who are changing, we need to pray and ask God for fortitude and wisdom to stick things out with them, whether it’s a spouse going through mid-life changes, a child struggling to find their place in life, or an aging parent who needs more care.  When we ask, God will give us strength and ability to face every change in life. 

 2 Cor. 9:8  And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:  

Thank you for reading and may you enjoy your own changes and all the changing relationships in your life.

The Stress of Change

One of the most exciting things about life on planet earth is the fact that things change. Most changes are positive and absolutely necessary for many reasons.  From the time we are conceived, we grow and change, and then after we are born, we change every day, and through the years we go from babies to toddlers to children to teens to adults to seniors.  Each stage of life offers something new and different.  Many changes, like aging, cannot be changed.  But there are other things, like the direction we choose in life that can be changed. 

Some people thrive on change and making changes.  A woman, for instance, may like to change her clothing style from season to season and year to year.  She may also like to change her hairstyle, adjust her weight from time to time and also re-arrange her home.  Men who like change may switch vehicles, or continue to buy the latest and greatest power tools.  If they’re into electronics, they’ll keep upgrading their media and buy bigger and better TV’s, the latest cell phones and/or computer equipment (many women also do this).  Some people who thrive on change may change their jobs, or even move to another city for the change of scenery.  Other people like traveling to different places all the time for the newness of each vacation experience.  While some people love change, others struggle with it.  They like the same job day after day, the same city and area in which they live, their small and intimate circle of friends, and their same hobby.  They resist change and it makes them feel disturbed and uncomfortable.  And yet we all need to adjust to changes in life whether we like change or not.

So when is change good for us?  Changes that produce healthy growth in our lives are generally the ones that are good for us.  Sometimes we hold onto things, not realizing that even a simple change will make all the difference.  We can change our present circumstances by taking one small step at a time and we will begin to notice an immediate change in our stress level.  About a year ago, I started reading books about enjoying life and some of it had to do with making simple changes in how we arrange and furnish a favorite room in our house.  Changing a color scheme can actually make a difference in brightening up a room!  Perhaps all we need to give us a lift is a little bit of lemon-yellow mixed in with a vibrant pure bright blue in a dried flower arrangement. Getting rid of clutter can give us a wonderful feeling and our home becomes more welcoming.  So sometimes small changes are all that we need to stir up our creative juices and energize us enough to make other harder-to-tackle changes. 

One of the greatest things in life is that we can welcome change and make change happen.  Sometimes we put things off and we don’t even realize it, but we’re carrying a weight around with us every day that we really don’t have to.  Some people want to lose weight; others want to get out of debt or save money for a hoped-for vacation or other beneficial thing.  These are good goals to strive for that will bring about a positive change in our lives.  But they all begin with one step at a time, one day at a time.  There was a time when I needed to lose weight.  Somehow I had gained too much weight, probably from a sedentary reading-writing sit-down lifestyle.  I was writing two complete family histories back-to-back at the time and had just completed two years of studying in university.  No matter what I tried, I just couldn’t lose weight since I was so exhausted from all my writing and researching and my metabolism wasn’t fast enough to burn off the calories.  I began with a simple prayer and asked God to help me lose weight (20 pounds).  Not long after, I had a problem swallowing dry food, so I had to stop eating the breads, buns, pizzas and anything with bread.  If I ate dry food, I had to take small pieces and wash it down with water.  It might take me an hour to eat a hamburger and fries.  Finally, I gave up and went to wet foods like soups, salads, fruits and lots of good fruit and vegetable juices.  Gradually, the weight started coming off and about a year later, I had lost a total of 47 pounds and have kept it off for five years.  I can’t even describe how good I felt after this.  I had more energy.  I could walk fast again and get lots done.  My bones or my feet no longer ached from the stress of the extra weight.  I didn’t have digestion or heart-palpitation problems.  It opened up a whole new life for me.  And I ended up with a brand new wardrobe of clothes!

Sometimes, many times, change is thrust upon us.  For almost everyone, we find it difficult when this happens.  We may have just gotten comfortable in a new job, for instance, only to find out we are going to be laid off or we discover that the job is not what we thought.  Perhaps you just bought a new house or moved into a condo or apartment only to find that the neighbours are so noisy, you can’t even get your rest.  And then there are natural disasters, like spring flooding, and if you live close by the water, you may lose your home or even your livelihood.  Some countries, like Japan, lost everything – families, homes, entire villages!  How does one even begin to rebuild with such a great loss?  Some people experience sudden health problems and have to adjust their entire life around their illness or malady.  The health care business is booming as people look for the right cure, the right drug, or vitamin to bring healing to them.  So how do we handle sudden changes that leave us emptied of our former life as we know it?

In the beginning of this blog, I mentioned that one of the things in life that we can change is the direction we choose in life.  If you’ve been reading along and following this blog, you will have noticed that I mention the importance of choosing Jesus Christ to be your personal Lord and Savior.  I will keep mentioning it because He is the only One who has the power to save us.  No on else can!  He is the One and Only True God of the world and the universe and everything good that is created.  Not only does He save us from our sins (which, without knowing and accepting Him, will keep us out of heaven for eternity), but He also saves us from many potential disasters that could happen to us on this earth!  This is not to say that bad things won’t happen to us.  They most certainly likely will!  But He is our deliverer and strong tower.  We can run to Him in any situation we are faced with in life and He will be there for us, without fail.  I am living proof of this.  I could tell you time after time how He’s delivered me, provided for me, healed me, counselled me, doctored me and even nursed me back to health.  He has carried me through all the many changes I have been faced with in this life.  He has helped me make big and small decisions, He has helped me to wait, and He has shown me the way.  He is the BEST FRIEND I have ever known.  Knowing Him is the most comforting fact of my life.  Nothing and no one can compare to Him.  I often wonder how a person can get through all the difficulties of this life without knowing Him.  Real change occurs when we bring God into our lives.  Everything changes for the better even while we struggle though things, because God will be with us, protect us, provide for us and so on.  If you are reading this and want to know how to change the direction of your life that will count for all of eternity, please click here.

In another blog I’d like to talk about changes that may occur in relationships and how to handle them.  Thank you for reading and I pray that you experience good changes in your life today.

The Stress of Loneliness

There are millions of people in the world right now suffering with loneliness.  Few people want to be alone, but for many different reasons, people find themselves alone at one time or another.  Some people may rarely feel lonely because they have a large family and lots of friends, or maybe they’re social butterflies and manage to find friends everywhere they go.  But sometimes things change:  a loved one dies, or a friend moves away, a struggling marriage ends or a relationship ends, or people change and no longer want to be in relationship, or perhaps we find ourselves ill and it is harder to get out to be with people.  Maybe we have moved to a new city and we don’t know anyone yet, so we find our new life very lonely.  Life can be very unpredictable and things can change in an instant and we find ourselves alone.  These changes can be very stressful as we struggle to re-establish relationships or form new ones. 

The need to belong is built into each and every one of us, and some people will go to great lengths to belong somewhere where they feel loved and accepted.  And some people who feel the pain of loneliness and are uncomfortable being alone, act rashly and unwisely, and choose to make friends with the wrong person or they get involved with the wrong crowd.  They may turn to unhealthy things as a way to dull the pain, things such as alcohol, drugs, or social groups such as gangs or cult groups.  When I was in university, I researched a paper on terrorism and why and how people get involved in such a group.  I was shocked to discover that most people who joined terrorist groups back in the 60s were middle to upper class, were lonely and looking for a place to belong.  Such groups prey on lonely people to join their unrighteous cause.  Young people are often drawn into gangs just to be part of an active (yet very destructive) social group.   

Yet people in relationships or who have joined various groups may still find themselves lonely.  You can be married and still feel lonely.  So why is this?  I believe there are a couple of reasons.  First, what is the quality of our relationships?  Are we being real and authentic with one another, or are we hiding behind walls of protection so we won’t get hurt?  Sometimes relationships are built on a whole set of superficialities, like the types often formed in high school. Basically, you have to speak the right language, wear the right clothes, hang around with the right people and do whatever the in-group does.  No one wants to be singled out as different from the rest.  Surprisingly, this can also carry into our adult lives and we find ourselves still trying to fit in with the in-crowd.  I’ve seen this happen in the workplace and even in the church where certain cliques exist and if you’re not part of that clique, you’ll be left out. 

The second reason we may have lots of friends but still feel lonely has to do with our spiritual state.  And this is the important one.  From the beginning of time, God has been searching for and longing for fellowship with His beloved creation, man and woman.  Just read the account of the journey of the Children of Israel to the Promised Land to see how true this is.   

Exo 13:21  And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud, to lead them the way; and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light; to go by day and night:

Exo 13:22  He took not away the pillar of the cloud by day, nor the pillar of fire by night, from before the people.  

He wants to be with His people.  And if we look at the history of the relationship God had with His people, it isn’t long before we see how they turned away from Him.  Yet, He persisted in reaching out to them and staying with them even though they often had to be severely disciplined for their disobedient ways (see Psalm 106 for a summary of this relationship).  Throughout Scripture we see that God is consistent in His pursuit of us.  In the New Testament, Jesus came to earth and before beginning His ministry, He chose twelve disciples who were His protégés and became His closest friends.  Jesus and His disciples had all the attributes of friendship: emotional moments, eating together, walking together, praying together, talking together, socializing together, and ministering together.  And Jesus never turned anyone away because they goofed up or made a mistake.  Even in our sinful and/or backslidden state, God loves us purely, wholly, and consistently.  He is always reaching out to us in hopes that we’ll grab His hand and walk with Him.  People talk about a void in their life, something is missing.  They think that they need a mate or a partner to fill that void.  At least this is what Hollywood portrays.  And yet no one person can fill that void.  We see broken relationships all around us and people are alone and lonely.  Loneliness is painful and for this reason, no one wants to be alone.  And the truth is there’s only One Person who can take away that loneliness.  This has been so true in my own life. 

After I came to know Jesus and how great His love is for me, He began to show me that He had always been there in my life, right from the beginning.   

Psa 139:14  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psa 139:15  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Psa 139:16  your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  NIV 

It’s wonderful to be known.  This is what relationship is all about, and this is what removes the painful sting of loneliness.  God knows us even before we are born and He longs to have fellowship with us.  In fact, He promises a reward just for seeking Him: 

Heb 11:6  But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. KJV  

There’s a deeper kind of loneliness that has to do with our heart. God put it there.  Loneliness and love are inter-connected, and it all has to do with the heart.  We love God – how can we love someone we’ve never seen?   It has to do with the heart – He puts this longing in our heart, and He is the only one that can fill our hearts with His joy and His presence and take away the pain of our loneliness.  Some of my most precious alone times have been spent with Jesus and He truly does fill the longing in my heart for fellowship.  Satan wants us to think we are completely alone, abandoned, rejected and forsaken, and that no one is interested in us or cares about us, but God always loves us and nothing can separate us from His love (see Romans 8:38-39).  Sometimes we expect too much of people and they can’t begin to fulfil the great needs we have for companionship, or they can’t always be there for us.  But Jesus is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24).  

If you would like to read more about loneliness, I have written a book about it, Loneliness: The Pathway to Discovery, which offers very practical help and advice.  You can read it for free online or purchase it as an eBook through Amazon (the link is on our website).  Thank you for reading and may you experience the Lord’s presence in your life today.   

The Stress of Decision Making

All of life is a gamble.  Every morning we wake up, we have no idea how our day will turn out.  We look out the window and see what the weather is like.  And immediately we are faced with a decision – what will I wear?  And the weather can determine the direction of our day.  If it is summer and it is cloudy or perhaps raining, and we have planned an outdoor activity, we may have to change our plans.  Making plans and changing plans can be stressful, and when events we have looked forward to have to be changed, it can be disappointing as well.  I am sure we can all agree that life is filled with uncertainty.  Even the Bible says it is: 

Ecc 8:17  Then I beheld all the work of God, that a man cannot find out the work that is done under the sun: because though a man labour to seek it out, yet he shall not find it; yea further; though a wise man think to know it, yet shall he not be able to find it. KJV 

One of the things I discovered when researching the Bible for this topic, is that God really cares about the decisions we make in life.  When I looked up the word way I found 134 references alone in the Books of Wisdom in the Old Testament (King James Version).  I also discovered that mankind may think that he makes decisions independent of God (i.e. – he is self-made), but nothing could be further from the truth.  God is intimately involved in every decision we make (although he never condones sin and sinful acts), whether we profess to know God and believe in Him or not!  This is an astounding fact.  Here is just one verse to substantiate that: 

Pro 20:24  A man's steps are directed by the LORD. How then can anyone understand his own way? NIV  

Considering this then, many of our decisions are not something we should even consider making without first consulting God.  I love asking God about things.  God is so Awesome (and I use this word awesome only in the context that it belongs solely TO God as one of HIS many attributes), He knows everything and about everything.  He is the best consultant for every decision we need to make in this life.  It would be foolish to let our pride ever get in the way of consulting God about any indecision we are faced with.  I have been privileged to struggle with indecision throughout my lifetime.  And I deliberately say privileged, because without this indecisiveness, I would never have sought the Lord or the Bible as much as I have.  In fact, in some areas, I am pretty much indecisive every single day because God has not yet revealed the answers to me.  I have to wait.  But in this waiting, I am growing, and learning (however long it takes) the things that really matter. 

What are the things that really matter?  I believe we need to first grasp what the Big Picture is before we can even begin to tackle the smaller things.  Just imagine that you are building a new house.  What is the first thing that needs to happen?  From what I’ve seen, you usually start with the foundation.  Without a firm foundation, your house will never stand and everything you build will fall apart.  All it would take is one big storm or a series of storms and your house would come crashing down.  So why would anyone ever build a house without first building a foundation for it to stand on?  And yet many people are doing just that today.   People without God (they don’t believe and they don’t acknowledge Him) are already living in a condemned building (their own body and soul – see John 3:17-18; John 3:36).  Their foundation is likely the things of this world and all of that will pass away.  But even more important is our eternal destiny!  After all of the decisions are made in this life, if we haven’t made our hearts right with God, we have failed to make the most important decision of all.  Without accepting Jesus into our heart and life and profess Jesus as our personal Lord and Savior, we will be forever separated from the presence of God.  But once we accept Him, our future changes – we are no longer condemned, but are seated in heavenly places (see Eph. 2:6) and will spend eternity with God in heaven.  So the Big Picture is our eternal destiny and that’s the most important decision we can ever make.  Without God we are lost and we will remain lost forever and ever.  If you know you are not yet a Christian, but you’d like to become one, you are encouraged to do that today and without delay!  Click here to find out how.  

Then after we are saved, everything we do to build upon our faith and walk with the Lord matters, and one day all of our works will be tested. 

1Co 3:11  For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ.

1Co 3:12  If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw,

1Co 3:13  his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work.

1Co 3:14  If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward.

1Co 3:15  If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.  NIV 

So what is the gold, silver and costly stones that will survive the fire when we are tested by our works?  I believe that these are the works of our own obedience when we’ve obeyed the calling God has placed on our lives.  In a nutshell, I believe it means that we obey His Word and strive to live a life that is worthy of Him, we share the Good News of the Gospel, we disciple new believers and we remain faithful to our post whatever that may be. 

So what about decisions like what career to choose, where to live, who to marry, how many (if any) children to have, what kind of house to buy and so on?  These can be very important decisions in life and no one would ever underestimate that, but these are the very things we are not to worry about, hard as that may seem.  We need to be so busy working in and for the Kingdom of God that these other things will take care of themselves.  But nevertheless, we still want to know how to make sound and right decisions, especially when these decisions will definitely affect our life (especially relationships we get into).  So how do we know what to do and what is the right decision?

Without going into a lot of detail, I’d like to offer some suggestions.  First, we must trade in our wisdom for God’s wisdom: 

Jas 1:5  If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

Jas 1:6  But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

Jas 1:7  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;

Jas 1:8  he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. NIV 

We pray about it according to God’s will, and then we believe that God will give us the best answer.  Then we wait. 

Secondly, we look at the doors that God has currently left open, and we look at the ones He has closed.   My husband and I are in a situation where we have dual residences – one is in the city, the other in cottage country.  Both places are often in need of repair, so we always have an added expense.  Yet, the place in the city is perfect for the winter season, since there is no daily commute on icy roads to the job in the city.  The place in cottage country is perfect for the summer since it is right by a lake, and other than the hard work to keep the big yard looking nice and the house repairs, it can be very therapeutic to be there.  So we weigh out the good with the bad, and none of the doors have opened to sell either place.  So we continue to keep and maintain them both.  Of course we have to sacrifice and not take vacations away and some of the repairs on the house must wait, but perhaps one day, that too will happen for us.  Most of the time we have peace about the situation, so we continue to try and keep up both places; and for the most part, we enjoy them both.  And that is the third thing, peace.    

When it comes to peace, you have to be careful.  Does the peace you have from making a decision give you a sense of relief?  If so, this is probably not enough.  You must have peace in your mind and in your heart.  Generally, in my experience, once you’ve prayed and believed and waited, when God moves, everything will fall into place, and I mean everything!  This is what happened when my husband and I fell in love and got married almost immediately afterwards (within four weeks in total).  Absolutely everything fell into place and we had no doubt that we were meant for each other.  The same thing happened when we bought our house in cottage country.  The same thing happened when we bought our place in the city.  Everything fell into place in a miraculous sort of way each time and we knew it had to be God.  We could never have orchestrated any of these things.  Of course we had to look for the house and the place in the city.  And my husband had to initiate and ask me to marry him.  And in the case of a job or a career, you may need to work hard at your education to even get the job in the first place.  Or you may need to knock on a lot of employer’s doors before one opens, but it is God that opens these doors.  

Another thing to keep in mind when making decisions, and this is something that’s taken me a long time to learn, when God opens doors, it is always to His ultimate glory.  In other words, it will affect not just you and your family, but likely many others as well.  After I spent a year in Bible School, I went back home to the small town I had been raised in and I worked at various jobs.  But after about a year, I knew it was time to move on.  But I had absolutely no idea where to go from there.  One day it became crystal clear to me.  In fact, God spoke it so clearly I thought I heard Him audibly speak!  I was to go back to the city.  Well everything fell into place – I immediately had a job and a place to live.  And it was in this same city that I met my future husband (only about a year later in fact, even though we didn’t marry for several years after that).  It was hard adjusting to the city life again and there were times I wondered if this is really where I wanted to be.  But God continued to keep the doors open for me to live and work in the city.  As time went on, I became more involved in people’s lives and I could see God working.  But it wasn’t until many years later that I could look back and see what God had in mind when He told me to move to the city.  This is where He planted me, and it was through all the difficulties of city life that my life began to bear fruit for Him.  If I’d stayed in the small town where I’d been raised, I never would have met the people I ministered to in the city (who also went on to minister to many others), and I never would have met my loving husband (who allows me to write full time!).  So sometimes the place God calls you is not your first choice, but remember the Big Picture – how many lost souls will be reached because He sent you someplace or because you remain where you are right now? 

Today if you are struggling to make an important decision, God knows the right one for you to make.  Just ask Him and see what He says.  He’ll open and close doors in your life, and when the time is right, everything will fall into place.  Until then, we have a job to do.  So let’s get busy and keep working to the glory of God and for His Kingdom, and He’ll take care of the rest!