Almost everyone loves a wedding. On April 29th, 2011, many people in this part of the world stayed up or got up at 3:00 a.m. to watch the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Truly, it was a beautiful “fairy tale” wedding complete with the horse-drawn carriage, beautiful flowing gown, darling bridesmaids and most interesting guests with fancy hats I’ve never even imagined existed. Now the world will watch for and hope for a “happily ever after” for the royal couple who look so much in love.I was surprised and pleased that the Bishop who gave the wedding sermon spoke of God’s love. Since God created marriage (see Genesis 2:18-25) and God is love, I believe that His love is the very core of every successful marriage. God’s love is the costly one where there’s no room for selfishness. It’s when a spouse puts their own needs aside for the sake of meeting their partner’s needs first. For a complete definition of Godly love, read I Corinthians 13.
Marriage between a man and a woman is really a beautiful thing especially since God ordained it that way. In a Christian marriage, where a couple puts God first, there is tremendous potential for great things, since there are two people accomplishing God’s work, rather than just one. Christian couples have the privilege of built-in fellowship where they can study the Bible together and pray together. They can combine their talents to do good deeds and good works. God honors a marriage where He is invited and included in all of the details.
So where does stress come into the picture? Often, and most would agree, that stress begins the moment you say “I do.” Why is this? I believe that because God ordains the marriage and it is the very strength and foundation of a moral society, Satan will begin immediately to try and break it down. But here is the good news – if two people who are committed believers and followers of Jesus Christ and are dedicated to God and doing His work; that is a very powerful unit. In fact, look at what Jesus says about the power of two:
Mat. 18:19 Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.
Mat. 18:20 For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.
Added to this is that if a Christian couple decides to have children, these children, when reared in the fear of the Lord, have the potential to be great evangelists, pastors, teachers and so on and invade the world with the Gospel of the Bible. My grandmother and grandfather had 22 children, all their own. When they became saved, they ignited the world with the Gospel because all of their children (17 that lived into adulthood) became saved and many of them went on into the ministry (some world-wide). There are generations of them that will continue to spread the Gospel for many years to come. Even though my grandparents are in heaven, their prayers follow all of their children and children’s children. My own marriage to a wonderful Christian man is a result of their and my parent’s prayers. What an incredible heritage! Never underestimate the power of prayer. It is the greatest weapon against the many attacks of Satan in a marriage.
Besides Satan, there are other outside influences that will try to undermine a marriage and create a great deal of stress. One of the things my husband and I discovered shortly after we were married is that suddenly we were inundated with things to do. We had thank-you cards to write for the wedding gifts, we had to find a place for all our beautiful gifts, return some things, and make room for my husband to move his things into my apartment. People wanted to come over for a visit. I wanted to re-create my single living space to one that reflected us as a couple. We had all kinds of adjustments to make! We got so busy at times we hardly had time for each other. The busier we were, the more tired we got. When you’re tired, you get cranky, and then you become argumentative. And if you don’t get your rest, watch out, you may get sick as well and this will only compound the problem. There’s something to be said for doing something as simple as just taking a nap!
And of course there are pressures from well-meaning family and sometimes friends. We talked about this in yesterday’s blog. You now have to adjust to your new in-laws and they have to adjust to you. Their traditions may be completely different than the ones you’re used to. They may prepare a family meal and expect you to arrive early. Your family may be more casual and just begins eating whenever everyone arrives. Then you have to choose which family to spend seasonal holidays with like Christmas and Easter. You don’t want to offend anybody so you try to please everybody and this can be exhausting and stressful each and every time. Some couples move far away from their families in order to avoid these kinds of pressures. But then, if you have kids, they won’t know their grandparents, aunts and uncles or cousins. You’ll find yourselves alone with no family close by, and you have to pay expensive airfares to see them, so this can be an even bigger price to pay in more ways than one!
There are many challenges in marriage and this is why it’s so important to determine from the beginning to stick together and stick things out through thick and thin. I’ve heard it said that if a couple can stick together for the first three years, their marriage has a very good chance of long-term survival. The first three years are probably the hardest with all of the adjustments that need to be made. But we shouldn’t even be thinking of it in terms of how many years it will last, or “survive.” Marriage is a forever commitment, and we should never think of divorce even as an option. This is not to condemn or judge anyone reading this who may be divorced; it is to encourage those that are married or considering marriage to count the cost of the long-term commitment. Seasons pass and things get better. A job may end, but another one will come along. Money may be tight for awhile, but God will provide as He said He would. Children may stray, but your love and prayers will bring them back. Illness may come, but healing will too. All of these trials that occur in a marriage really serve to strengthen a marriage when two people resolve to stick it out. Through the years you go through so many things together that after awhile you find that you can’t be without each other. And this is a good place to be in when you’re married.
It’s important to have fun together. At most weddings, the atmosphere is happy and the couple has fun enjoying their first day as a married couple. So after the wedding, why should the fun stop? Do things together that you both enjoy, like going to a movie, participating in sports, bike-riding or traveling. Doing things together that you mutually enjoy is paramount to relieving all the many stresses of married life. And if you’re not doing things together you’ll be doing things apart, and rather than your life together being “ours,” it will become “his” and “hers.” This can spell disaster in a marriage.
Some couples say that they have no mutual interests, but cooking and hosting a meal for family and friends is one that most couples can manage to pull off. I have an endearing memory of my in-laws cooking a gourmet meal together for us or for the whole family. My mother-in-law might be making the vegetables and salads while my father-in-law would be cooking a delicious meat dish. Almost every time we went over for a meal, they would be cooking something new and different. They collected scads of interesting cook books, and had obtained almost every new cooking gadget on the market! They made it into an enjoyable past-time, as well as a way to gather family together for a visit around delicious plates of food. Deciding to host meals can turn into a ministry in and of itself, and is especially recommended when you find you not only need to spend more time together, but you need to reach out to others as well. And if you’re not getting along for some reason, the focus shifts to the guests and not on the problems with each other.
My husband and I share many similar interests like photography, art, writing, reading, and computer technology, to name but a few. We also enjoy going for drives and no matter how busy we get, we take the time to go for a drive in the country at least once a week. Some couples go away for a few days and stay in a favorite hotel or motel. If money is tight, you can go to a near-by park for a walk or go for coffee or ice cream. The whole point is to make time for each other and if possible, get out of your regular routine and go someplace different away from all the pressures of home life. If you have children, drop them off at a grandparent’s house or an aunt or uncles.
Finally, give your spouse room to breathe. Support them in their particular hobby or interest by allowing them “guilt-free” time. If they like reading, let them read. If they like to golf, let them golf. If they like shopping, let them shop. I know of one couple where the husband loves baseball, so they plan their annual holidays around going to major league baseball games. And the wife plans shopping trip vacations. So everybody’s happy.
As you can see, there are many creative ways to relieve the many pressures and stresses of marriage, even more ways than I’ve briefly mentioned here. Marriage is intended for pleasure and enjoyment, not sadness and disappointment. Sometimes all it takes is one person to lighten things up when things seem to weigh us down. And sometimes we need to shave back our schedules to make more time for each other. A simple “no” to too many demands can even save a marriage. For some excellent insights into marriage, please read this blog, The Journey of Oneness.
Thank you for reading and if you are married, remember to find ways to appreciate and enjoy your union today.
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