The Stress of Changing Relationships

In yesterday’s blog, we talked about how life presents us with many different changes and that these often present positive opportunities for us.  But sometimes changes are thrust upon us and we’d rather not have to deal with them.  This is especially true when we see changes occurring in treasured relationships that we have.  In a worst-case scenario, we may have a best friend or a spouse betray us.  Our children may have taken a wrong turn and we are grieved and stressed with worry about them.  A spouse or a parent may become ill and need long-term care.  Learning to adapt to these changes can be very trying and traumatic, especially if their change is sudden due to an unexpected accident or illness.  We find ourselves in a new role as caregiver or suddenly we are alone more as they recover in a hospital or home.  These changes can upset the whole balance of our life and we have to find ways to cope with it.  The changes that occur in relationships are often the most stressful of everything we have to deal with in life because it touches our heart and our soul.  Jobs can be replaced, we can move to new houses or cities, if we have lost possessions, they can be replaced.  But when people change or cause a change in our relationship with them, deliberately or not, it takes a much greater effort to adapt to the new dynamics that are often created.    

In a marriage, many changes will occur, especially after bringing children into the picture.  In marriage and in raising children, natural dependencies develop and we get into a necessary routine.  But as the children get into their teens, everything changes and the family unit will teeter-totter based on the whims of the teens if parents are not careful to put their foot down and remember that their teens are still needing wise guidance and healthy boundaries.  Then after children get married, you have to deal with their spouses and in-laws.  Tension builds as each separate family may fight over who gets to see their child more, the wife’s side or the husband’s side. And then grandchildren enter the picture and if you become a grandparent, you are likely in middle age as well, dealing with all kinds of aging and hormonal issues.  Your own parents may need care-giving as well.  So how does one adapt when life throws us some really big curve-balls and everything changes?  And how do we handle all of these pressures brought on by changes in relationship dynamics? 

As a long-time stress sufferer, I’d like to share some insights I learned through the years.  First, you can’t change everyone else around you to suit yourself.  You can only change yourself.  So you have to single yourself out from the crowd of people in your life and deal only with yourself.  Then you need to look at all the demands you feel are being made on you and decide (pray about) the legitimate ones versus the ones that aren’t all that important.  Life-threatening and medical issues are of course, top priority.  We must care for those that are unwell and unable to care for themselves.  This includes our spouse, children, parents, grandparents or even other relatives with no one else to care for them.  I base this on Scripture in the Bible: 

1Tim. 5:8  But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel [unbeliever].  

Family are always a priority.  Jobs, careers, ministries and friends are not the first priority.  Even ministers or elders in a church are to manage their household affairs well in order to conduct their church ministry.   

1Tim. 3:1  Here is a trustworthy saying: If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task.

1Tim. 3:2  Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach,

1Tim. 3:3  not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.

1Tim. 3:4  He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect.

1Tim. 3:5  (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?) NIV 

Some people may disagree that family take top priority, especially when there seem to be so many needy people all around us, but we must remember I Timothy 5:8 above.  It is also important, though, if you have been thrust into a role of care-giving to make sure you take time for respite and time to relax and rejuvenate yourself so that you can continue giving compassionate care.  If necessary, ask for help or enlist a free government homecare service to come to your loved one’s aid as well.  

Secondly, you may not be someone who tries to change those around you, but you may be in a relationship with someone who is trying to change you.  This commonly may happen in a marriage, where one spouse tries to change the other.  You may have heard the comical play on words that when a bride walks down the aisle to greet her groom, she remembers the order of her steps – aisle (she walks down), to the altar (where she greets her groom), you (her groom).  The order is aisle, altar, you. The play on words is on altar, and the joke is, as she is walking down the aisle, all the time she is really thinking, “I’ll alter [change] you.”  And in the first year of a marriage, couples experience high stress levels as there are many adjustments to make and each partner must change in some ways to accommodate their new spouse.  But after awhile these adjustments even out and the marriage settles into a comfortable arrangement of two people.  Sometimes in-laws will step in and try to manipulate the couple into getting in more visits, or an interfering mother-in-law will step in and try to get her son or daughter back by seeing him or her more than seeing her child and new spouse together as a couple.  Sometimes an in-law will inadvertently cause or support a break-up of a marriage if they don’t like their son or daughter’s choice of partner.  There is no doubt that marriage is more than just two people – in reality, you marry into each other’s family as well and this includes extended families (spouses, parents and children of your siblings as well on both sides).  So life can become very pressured and complicated once you get married.  You may be called on to host huge family dinners, or you may be expected to take care of ailing grandparents or parents on your spouse’s side.  Whereas before, you had only to look after yourself, now you must consider your spouse and his or her family as well.  And then if and when you have children, the complication is multiplied yet again! 

Dealing with friends or loved ones who are trying to change you is not an easy situation to be in.  But in my own situation (which, thankfully, has been rare), I found it best to talk directly to the person in an honest and gracious (non-threatening) way.  Setting boundaries seems to work, but you have to let the person know what they are.  In the case of an in-law it is best to let your spouse do the talking for you on behalf of the marriage.  It is very important to stand united as a couple when it comes to outside interference, no matter how well-meaning they may seem.  If your marriage is affected, and a rift is beginning, be careful to mend it quickly and wisely, always keeping your spouse high on the level of importance (next to God). 

There are many changes that will occur in a relationship, whether it’s with a friend, a spouse, a child, parent or relative.  We ourselves will change, our goals will change, our needs will change, and our desires will change throughout each stage of life.  And as far as those we love who are changing, we need to pray and ask God for fortitude and wisdom to stick things out with them, whether it’s a spouse going through mid-life changes, a child struggling to find their place in life, or an aging parent who needs more care.  When we ask, God will give us strength and ability to face every change in life. 

 2 Cor. 9:8  And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work:  

Thank you for reading and may you enjoy your own changes and all the changing relationships in your life.