The Stress of Loneliness

There are millions of people in the world right now suffering with loneliness.  Few people want to be alone, but for many different reasons, people find themselves alone at one time or another.  Some people may rarely feel lonely because they have a large family and lots of friends, or maybe they’re social butterflies and manage to find friends everywhere they go.  But sometimes things change:  a loved one dies, or a friend moves away, a struggling marriage ends or a relationship ends, or people change and no longer want to be in relationship, or perhaps we find ourselves ill and it is harder to get out to be with people.  Maybe we have moved to a new city and we don’t know anyone yet, so we find our new life very lonely.  Life can be very unpredictable and things can change in an instant and we find ourselves alone.  These changes can be very stressful as we struggle to re-establish relationships or form new ones. 

The need to belong is built into each and every one of us, and some people will go to great lengths to belong somewhere where they feel loved and accepted.  And some people who feel the pain of loneliness and are uncomfortable being alone, act rashly and unwisely, and choose to make friends with the wrong person or they get involved with the wrong crowd.  They may turn to unhealthy things as a way to dull the pain, things such as alcohol, drugs, or social groups such as gangs or cult groups.  When I was in university, I researched a paper on terrorism and why and how people get involved in such a group.  I was shocked to discover that most people who joined terrorist groups back in the 60s were middle to upper class, were lonely and looking for a place to belong.  Such groups prey on lonely people to join their unrighteous cause.  Young people are often drawn into gangs just to be part of an active (yet very destructive) social group.   

Yet people in relationships or who have joined various groups may still find themselves lonely.  You can be married and still feel lonely.  So why is this?  I believe there are a couple of reasons.  First, what is the quality of our relationships?  Are we being real and authentic with one another, or are we hiding behind walls of protection so we won’t get hurt?  Sometimes relationships are built on a whole set of superficialities, like the types often formed in high school. Basically, you have to speak the right language, wear the right clothes, hang around with the right people and do whatever the in-group does.  No one wants to be singled out as different from the rest.  Surprisingly, this can also carry into our adult lives and we find ourselves still trying to fit in with the in-crowd.  I’ve seen this happen in the workplace and even in the church where certain cliques exist and if you’re not part of that clique, you’ll be left out. 

The second reason we may have lots of friends but still feel lonely has to do with our spiritual state.  And this is the important one.  From the beginning of time, God has been searching for and longing for fellowship with His beloved creation, man and woman.  Just read the account of the journey of the Children of Israel to the Promised Land to see how true this is.   

Exo 13:21  And the LORD went before them by day in a pillar of a cloud, to lead them the way; and by night in a pillar of fire, to give them light; to go by day and night:

Exo 13:22  He took not away the pillar of the cloud by day, nor the pillar of fire by night, from before the people.  

He wants to be with His people.  And if we look at the history of the relationship God had with His people, it isn’t long before we see how they turned away from Him.  Yet, He persisted in reaching out to them and staying with them even though they often had to be severely disciplined for their disobedient ways (see Psalm 106 for a summary of this relationship).  Throughout Scripture we see that God is consistent in His pursuit of us.  In the New Testament, Jesus came to earth and before beginning His ministry, He chose twelve disciples who were His protégés and became His closest friends.  Jesus and His disciples had all the attributes of friendship: emotional moments, eating together, walking together, praying together, talking together, socializing together, and ministering together.  And Jesus never turned anyone away because they goofed up or made a mistake.  Even in our sinful and/or backslidden state, God loves us purely, wholly, and consistently.  He is always reaching out to us in hopes that we’ll grab His hand and walk with Him.  People talk about a void in their life, something is missing.  They think that they need a mate or a partner to fill that void.  At least this is what Hollywood portrays.  And yet no one person can fill that void.  We see broken relationships all around us and people are alone and lonely.  Loneliness is painful and for this reason, no one wants to be alone.  And the truth is there’s only One Person who can take away that loneliness.  This has been so true in my own life. 

After I came to know Jesus and how great His love is for me, He began to show me that He had always been there in my life, right from the beginning.   

Psa 139:14  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psa 139:15  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

Psa 139:16  your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.  NIV 

It’s wonderful to be known.  This is what relationship is all about, and this is what removes the painful sting of loneliness.  God knows us even before we are born and He longs to have fellowship with us.  In fact, He promises a reward just for seeking Him: 

Heb 11:6  But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him. KJV  

There’s a deeper kind of loneliness that has to do with our heart. God put it there.  Loneliness and love are inter-connected, and it all has to do with the heart.  We love God – how can we love someone we’ve never seen?   It has to do with the heart – He puts this longing in our heart, and He is the only one that can fill our hearts with His joy and His presence and take away the pain of our loneliness.  Some of my most precious alone times have been spent with Jesus and He truly does fill the longing in my heart for fellowship.  Satan wants us to think we are completely alone, abandoned, rejected and forsaken, and that no one is interested in us or cares about us, but God always loves us and nothing can separate us from His love (see Romans 8:38-39).  Sometimes we expect too much of people and they can’t begin to fulfil the great needs we have for companionship, or they can’t always be there for us.  But Jesus is a Friend that sticks closer than a brother (Prov. 18:24).  

If you would like to read more about loneliness, I have written a book about it, Loneliness: The Pathway to Discovery, which offers very practical help and advice.  You can read it for free online or purchase it as an eBook through Amazon (the link is on our website).  Thank you for reading and may you experience the Lord’s presence in your life today.